2015. március 26., csütörtök

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 6)

I needed to find a way out of the madness...

After several unsuccessful ....... attempts, I told God that I will put my faith in him if he gives me strength.
"God, give me one day. I want to be free. I want the shit out of my life, out of my system FOREVER! I want to say no without any regrets."

Ant then...that day came. I got rid of all the fake people from my life. It kind of felt like pressing the delete button. They were all gone. I just let everything go. I let all my frustration, anger, hate go. I started cleansing my mind, my body, my soul.

I let the sun rays shine through me. I felt the waves beneath my feet, I let them take me. I just lay in the sand..once I opened my eyes, I was a different person. I felt like I was born again, like God had finally shined his light. He saved my life...

2015. március 19., csütörtök

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 5)

How do I take all this in? It was just too much. I think there was a point where my brain couldn't process anymore, I couldn't digest anymore, my heart was on the verge of breaking or maybe it was already broken. I couldn't read anymore letters where family members told us to let her go and accept the situation. How do you accept something like that? So we're just supposed to sit around and do nothing like them? They chucked letters in the garden keeping us "updated", but we couldn't read it after a while and honestly didn't want to. It was much too painful. It was bad enough that they stayed in contact with these people. The people that supported my sister's father.
I couldn't face our family, the family that let us down, the family that lied, the family that forced my sister and me to go to the police station and make a statement. I thought about it...what if we don't go? At the time, they told us that we wouldn't help our mother with that. That she might have to stay in jail for months. Well..that was a lie, but we didn't know that. Then I had all thoughts running through my head..What if they break into our home and drag us there? All sorts of things crossed my mind. I made the decision of going to the police station. I knew that I needed my mother in order to do something about this situation, so if I could get them to release her, all will fall into place, but never in a million years would I have thought they could just take my sister...

2015. március 12., csütörtök

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 4)

They took her..there was an orphange not far from the police station. They told her not to pack too many things because it will probably only be a matter of weeks and then she will be returned to us. Well...months passed..and now it's been almost a year since I last saw my angel.
I was allowed to visit her in the orphanage, but that would also come to an end not long after she was taken away. I didn't know what, but something didn't sit with me..I had to find out! There were no papers saying why she was taken away, just false charges against my mother who did what she had to do in order to defend her child from her father who was involved in many illegal activities.

There were nights when I just cried..of course I didn't show what I was feeling, how heartbroken I was. I needed to show strength. I played everything over and over again in my head. The person I love most in this world..I felt like I let her down. She trusted me and I couldn't take care of her.
I guess it's true..You have to have money to get by in this world. You have to be a criminal and pay for your protection to be respected. When you mislead authorities, lie in court, pay people to give false statements, then you're somebody. If someone works hard every day to make a living, never hurts anybody, only tries to see the good in everyone, they are the ones getting arrested, mistreated, humiliated and shamed. Is this really a criminal's fault? No, absolutely not! I blame authorities and the corrupt government. I blame them for taking away my sister's right to stand up for herself and pushing her into the hands of a criminal. I BLAME THEM! The criminal's job is to get away with his criminal acts and disobey the law. Her daddy did his job while the police were asleep..

2015. február 26., csütörtök

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 3)

For months I didn't really know where I was, who I was, why I was still here. I wandered down the empty streets for nights searching for answers, loaded up on my favorite cigarettes for "inspiration" and was on a mission to find "inner peace". I wrote song after song, poem after poem. I admired the view from the mountain, listened to the birds sing. I felt the sun burn my skin and for the first time in a long time, I felt peace take over me for a few moments..just to find myself drop to the ground again..
So many thoughts were running through my head. It wasn't just him.
My sister...my babygirl..my little sunshine, who gave meaning to my life was ripped from my hands on March 21st 2014, the same day my mother was released from jail. I think it was the worst day of my life. I'll never forget. Something precious was taken from me that day. I couldn't get my mind 'round it. I was just sitting there..it just didn't sink in. What are we doing here? - I asked. But I would never ever get actual answers, just lies, lies, lies and broken promises.
The night before, I told her it was all going to be okay, that she'll come home with me, that we'll watch a movie and make dinner together..and it didn't happen that way..

2015. február 19., csütörtök

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 2)

What's funny is that when I was just about to give up on him, he took my hand, lifted me up and then I fell hard again. Scars all over my body, I fell over and over again and it just broke me more and more.
Hope...it was always there. Maybe this time...maybe this time...just maybe if..but the devil laughed at me, spat in my face and watched me bleed.
No one was able to save me. I thought smoking cigarette after cigarette and turning to alcohol would take the pain away. But I found myself sick to the stomache, nauseous, lost. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. I hated my reflection. I kept making deals with God, begging him to take me and make me an angel by his side.
He of course had bigger plans...

2015. február 12., csütörtök

CAC2014:Toxic (Part 1)

He hurt me again..and then I thought that there has got to be something more, something better out there for me.
I thought it was perfect, I thought it was meant to be. Then I realised.. if that was the case, this so called "love" wouldn't tear my soul apart, it wouldn't break my heart, nor would it put tears on my face day in and day out.

I took a step forward and three steps back for years. I lost myself. Confusion, depression, depression, confusion..it kept repeating. Illusions..those took me there.
He said "I love you". I thought about it so many times..what does that really mean? What does it mean to him? One night we reach heaven, then we find ourselves in hell?

And then he disappears...

2015. február 5., csütörtök

My story CAC2014:Toxic is coming next week!

Hi Guys! Okay..so I know it's poetry Thursday. I know I haven't put out anything for weeks. I have been thinking and procrastinating. I have a short story I wrote about 2014, which I feel has been the worst year of my life. It's very personal, very painful to talk about, but now I'm like..why not? I am a very honest person and I feel there are things not many wish to talk about, but I feel as long as there's someone out there who can relate, it's worth sharing, so my story: CAC2014:Toxic will be public next week on my blog. It will have very short "chapters"/parts. Look out for it! xx

In the meantime, go check out my latest post!