2015. július 29., szerda


I just laid there in complete silence.
Waiting for sunlight to meet my eyes so that I can see his face.
I waited all day, all night.
But he never came.
With emptiness came lonliness.
With silence came fear.
I just stared into space wishing he was here.
Now all I have is this empty bed and disturbing thoughts 
that won't disappear.

2015. április 9., csütörtök

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 8) [Last Part]

Isn't it funny how light illuminates the darkness? Darkness always gets defeated.
From that day on, there was nothing but light in my life. I started to focus on me. For the first time, I cared about what I needed instead of making other people feel good about themself. I wanted to be happy. I felt I deserved it after everything I've been through. At that point, I really didn't care about other people's problem because I felt that after all this time, nobody really cared about mine either. People would call because they wanted something, not to ask how I was. That hurt for a long time, but I realized that all I needed was me. If I know who I am, know what I deserve, love myself, then I can get through anything and everything.
I turned to the one who never leaves, who loves me: MUSIC. Then, I found him. My other half, who understood me, who wanted to know me, who cared about me, about who I really was and what I'm really about. An angel sent from heaven, sent to me by God. He saved and changed my life in every way possible. We lifted each other up. He became my best friend.

What have I learned? To always move forward and never look back. I've come far. I don't want to turn back now. The past is the past. That door is closed. I never want to open it, but it did make me who I am, it's a part of me. I am thankful, because I don't think I would be as strong as I am today. Now I know what I want and I am full of hope. I honestly believe that 2015 will be my year and I'm sure it will be full of surprises!

2015. április 2., csütörtök

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 7)

He did come back. I just couldn't take it anymore. But he made me weak with one touch, one kiss, one hug. We made love over and over again. We were filled with undying desire. He made me feel electric. Our hearts burned together as one, he needed me as much as I needed him. I loved him more than life, but if this is what true love is supposed to look like, then I would rather hang myself. I couldn't live with a broken heart..I'd die either way...

The day came when I said no. I had to do it for me. I needed to take back what belonged to me. I started with my soul that he stole. It got to the point where there was nothing he could say to make me feel better, to make me believe him or to keep hope alive. Every word felt like a slap on the face, every touch felt like a stab in the heart. It was toxic, addictive, he was my addiction, my drug, my angel who was the devil himself.

2015. március 26., csütörtök

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 6)

I needed to find a way out of the madness...

After several unsuccessful ....... attempts, I told God that I will put my faith in him if he gives me strength.
"God, give me one day. I want to be free. I want the shit out of my life, out of my system FOREVER! I want to say no without any regrets."

Ant then...that day came. I got rid of all the fake people from my life. It kind of felt like pressing the delete button. They were all gone. I just let everything go. I let all my frustration, anger, hate go. I started cleansing my mind, my body, my soul.

I let the sun rays shine through me. I felt the waves beneath my feet, I let them take me. I just lay in the sand..once I opened my eyes, I was a different person. I felt like I was born again, like God had finally shined his light. He saved my life...

2015. március 19., csütörtök

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 5)

How do I take all this in? It was just too much. I think there was a point where my brain couldn't process anymore, I couldn't digest anymore, my heart was on the verge of breaking or maybe it was already broken. I couldn't read anymore letters where family members told us to let her go and accept the situation. How do you accept something like that? So we're just supposed to sit around and do nothing like them? They chucked letters in the garden keeping us "updated", but we couldn't read it after a while and honestly didn't want to. It was much too painful. It was bad enough that they stayed in contact with these people. The people that supported my sister's father.
I couldn't face our family, the family that let us down, the family that lied, the family that forced my sister and me to go to the police station and make a statement. I thought about it...what if we don't go? At the time, they told us that we wouldn't help our mother with that. That she might have to stay in jail for months. Well..that was a lie, but we didn't know that. Then I had all thoughts running through my head..What if they break into our home and drag us there? All sorts of things crossed my mind. I made the decision of going to the police station. I knew that I needed my mother in order to do something about this situation, so if I could get them to release her, all will fall into place, but never in a million years would I have thought they could just take my sister...

2015. március 12., csütörtök

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 4)

They took her..there was an orphange not far from the police station. They told her not to pack too many things because it will probably only be a matter of weeks and then she will be returned to us. Well...months passed..and now it's been almost a year since I last saw my angel.
I was allowed to visit her in the orphanage, but that would also come to an end not long after she was taken away. I didn't know what, but something didn't sit with me..I had to find out! There were no papers saying why she was taken away, just false charges against my mother who did what she had to do in order to defend her child from her father who was involved in many illegal activities.

There were nights when I just cried..of course I didn't show what I was feeling, how heartbroken I was. I needed to show strength. I played everything over and over again in my head. The person I love most in this world..I felt like I let her down. She trusted me and I couldn't take care of her.
I guess it's true..You have to have money to get by in this world. You have to be a criminal and pay for your protection to be respected. When you mislead authorities, lie in court, pay people to give false statements, then you're somebody. If someone works hard every day to make a living, never hurts anybody, only tries to see the good in everyone, they are the ones getting arrested, mistreated, humiliated and shamed. Is this really a criminal's fault? No, absolutely not! I blame authorities and the corrupt government. I blame them for taking away my sister's right to stand up for herself and pushing her into the hands of a criminal. I BLAME THEM! The criminal's job is to get away with his criminal acts and disobey the law. Her daddy did his job while the police were asleep..

2015. február 26., csütörtök

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 3)

For months I didn't really know where I was, who I was, why I was still here. I wandered down the empty streets for nights searching for answers, loaded up on my favorite cigarettes for "inspiration" and was on a mission to find "inner peace". I wrote song after song, poem after poem. I admired the view from the mountain, listened to the birds sing. I felt the sun burn my skin and for the first time in a long time, I felt peace take over me for a few moments..just to find myself drop to the ground again..
So many thoughts were running through my head. It wasn't just him.
My sister...my babygirl..my little sunshine, who gave meaning to my life was ripped from my hands on March 21st 2014, the same day my mother was released from jail. I think it was the worst day of my life. I'll never forget. Something precious was taken from me that day. I couldn't get my mind 'round it. I was just sitting there..it just didn't sink in. What are we doing here? - I asked. But I would never ever get actual answers, just lies, lies, lies and broken promises.
The night before, I told her it was all going to be okay, that she'll come home with me, that we'll watch a movie and make dinner together..and it didn't happen that way..