Thursday 17 December 2015

I.M.Y.

I woke up this morning and something was missing.
How you used to greet me...
I used to smile because your words kept me alive, now I'm
lost in emptiness, spinning around.
Full of doubt, full of fear...I need you near.
This distance is deadly.
Still trying to find my place and as these tears roll down my face,
The more I think, the more I feel that everything around me is fake.

I wanted to build a new world with you. I still do. I miss you.
I miss you every day, every minute, every second.
Something's changed and it's beyond my control.
We've been to hell and back, you've seen it all. My best, my worst.
I opened my heart...something I never thought I'd be able to do.
You held it in your hand and made it beat again. I miss you terribly...
As each day passes, I feel weaker, I die a little more,
But I'm still here trying to stay strong.

I want it back...what used to be.
I want to have a reason to live.
It was so beautiful...
I wanna go back to that place, the paradise we created, that's where I felt safe.
True love can take a whole lot.
It's weird how my love for you is so strong that it breaks my heart.
Does that even make sense?
I don't know.
I do know this though...
You've become a part of me, a part of my body, a gem in my soul
I don't ever want to lose or let go.

Saturday 5 December 2015

Control Freak

You're weak,
You're fake,
You're lost,
You break.
You fear,
You hate,
You lie,
Too late.

Late to apologize,
Late for compromise,
Late to realize you were wrong and
I was right.
Uncontrollable control freak,
You think you control me,
You think you have me,
You don't know me.
Sad...after all these years,
You have me in tears,
But you make me face my fears.

You left,
I bled,
You fell,
I felt dead.
You were cruel,
I was kind,
You frowned when I smiled.

You tore down what I had built,
Took what was mine.
Though I may weep at night,
When I look in the mirror,
I see a heart full of light.

Thursday 19 November 2015

Fear..

The worst of all.
It's deadly, it's gruesome.
Fear of life, fear of death.
I have both.
It haunts me, it won't leave me alone.
Trapped, doors closed, devil's eyes wide open.
I hear it speak, it's evil, it's dark, it's the darkest shade of black.
I shake, I shiver, I cry, I'm scared, but nobody hears my voice.
I need to get out of here fast, it's after me.
All I want is peace, to be happy. Will I ever be?
Will my freedom be granted?
God have you left me? You used to listen to me. Can you hear me now?
I'm falling, I need you to catch me.
I need to rise from the dirt.
What have I done? I don't think I deserve this.
I became a warrior, but even warriors fall. Even they have a heart, they feel.
I'm not made of stone, but I wish I was unbreakable, bulletproof.
God, if you're there hear my prayer. I still believe in you God.
You have never left me, so I won't leave you ever.
Come what may..
What's meant to be shall be, nothing lasts forever.

Thursday 1 October 2015

A Pinch Of Heaven

You swam through my veins,
crept inside my soul,
there was no escape, no letting go.
Your place was already made,
you came to make me whole,
the half you gave 
was the missing piece I've been searching for.

A pinch of heaven, a hint of hell.
We fell from the angels and were under her spell.
My partner in crime. We fought, we cried, we tried,
we survived. I hope we will never have to say goodbye
until we die. 

Thursday 17 September 2015

Without You

Without you....
Even writing this down puts tears on my face.
I long to see you, hear your voice, instead, I'm stuck in this lonely place with no air.
Is this the way it will always be? Is this my destiny?
As soon as I find something to hold on to, it slips right through my hands.
The walls are slowly caving in, but we are still holding on.
I wonder if your love is true, I want to believe it, I feel we're worth fighting for.
Hearts are always tried, nothing is ever easy.
There is always a sacrifice, but I want you to know you have me.

Thursday 10 September 2015

Letter To HER

A thousand questions, blurry answers. 
One question amongst many: why?
What have I done to deserve this?
Why are you trying to sabotage my life?
Why won't you let me move forward so I can leave my past behind and finally be happy?
Don't you think I've suffered enough?
My life has been stolen, ripped from my hands and now you want to take conrol of it?
Why?
What have I done to make you treat me like this?
I have done nothing but stand by you, comfort you at dark times.
I know how it feels...I do.
Not being able to trust anyone, doubting everyone, but you can't live life like that.
You have to trust someone and I trust HIM.
Please let me go.
I want to be free.
I've done my time.
I feel my life sentence has been served.

Thursday 27 August 2015

Broken

Broken to pieces, empty inside.
Soul full of darkness, can't see the light.
You took the light, you stole my shine.
I'm left with nothing, you've taken what's mine.
Nowhere to turn, no money in my pocket.
No plane to catch, never felt so lonely.
Broken, torn, sinking in a rusty boat alone.
Left to rot, left to die.
I put my faith in you God.
Lead the way, shine your light.

Thursday 20 August 2015

Trapped

I can't breathe,
I can't feel,
I'm lost,
I'm not here.
Unsure, confused,
What to do?
No clue.

Trapped, hands tied,
I'm numb, I'm blind.
Can't hear, can't speak,
The noise is too deafening.

Weak, no way out,
Trapped, doubt is all around.
I want to smile, I want to feel and I
want to love, but first my soul must heal.

Thursday 6 August 2015

I wonder...

Will you remember the sound of my voice when you're alone?
I wonder...
Will you remember the warm touch of my hands as they press ever so gently against your soft face?
I wonder...
Do you still feel my love surround you when no one is around?
I wonder...
Have they stolen an angel's soul with a heart of gold?
I wonder...
If I were to look into your eyes, would I still see them glow, would they smile?
I wonder...
Would you act like a stranger after all this time?
I wonder...
Am I still in your prayers, do I appear in your dreams?

All I can do is wonder, but no matter where you are, no matter how far, no matter how many miles you have to walk in the shoes they bought you, even if we have to climb the highest mountains, I'm yours and you're mine, they can't break our bond, take the love even if they try.

Wednesday 29 July 2015

Night Time

I just laid there in complete silence.
Waiting for sunlight to meet my eyes so that I can see his face.
I waited all day, all night.
But he never came.
With emptiness came loneliness.
With silence came fear.
I just stared into space wishing he was here.
Now all I have is this empty bed and disturbing thoughts 
that won't disappear.

Thursday 9 April 2015

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 8) [Last Part]

Isn't it funny how light illuminates the darkness? Darkness always gets defeated.
From that day on, there was nothing but light in my life. I started to focus on me. For the first time, I cared about what I needed instead of making other people feel good about themself. I wanted to be happy. I felt I deserved it after everything I've been through. At that point, I really didn't care about other people's problem because I felt that after all this time, nobody really cared about mine either. People would call because they wanted something, not to ask how I was. That hurt for a long time, but I realized that all I needed was me. If I know who I am, know what I deserve, love myself, then I can get through anything and everything.
I turned to the one who never leaves, who loves me: MUSIC. Then, I found him. My other half, who understood me, who wanted to know me, who cared about me, about who I really was and what I'm really about. An angel sent from heaven, sent to me by God. He saved and changed my life in every way possible. We lifted each other up. He became my best friend.

What have I learned? To always move forward and never look back. I've come far. I don't want to turn back now. The past is the past. That door is closed. I never want to open it, but it did make me who I am, it's a part of me. I am thankful, because I don't think I would be as strong as I am today. Now I know what I want and I am full of hope. I honestly believe that 2015 will be my year and I'm sure it will be full of surprises!

Thursday 2 April 2015

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 7)

He did come back. I just couldn't take it anymore. But he made me weak with one touch, one kiss, one hug. We made love over and over again. We were filled with undying desire. He made me feel electric. Our hearts burned together as one. He needed me as much as I needed him. I loved him more than life, but if this is what true love is supposed to look like, then I would rather hang myself. I couldn't live with a broken heart..I'd die either way...

The day came when I said no. I had to do it for me. I needed to take back what belonged to me. I started with my soul that he stole. It got to the point where there was nothing he could say to make me feel better, to make me believe him or to keep hope alive. Every word felt like a slap on the face, every touch felt like a stab in the heart. It was toxic, addictive. He was my addiction, my drug, my angel who was the devil himself.

Thursday 26 March 2015

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 6)

I needed to find a way out of the madness...

After several unsuccessful ....... attempts, I told God that I will put my faith in him if he gives me strength.
"God, give me one day. I want to be free. I want the shit out of my life, out of my system FOREVER! I want to say no without any regrets."

And then...that day came. I got rid of all the fake people from my life. It kind of felt like pressing the delete button. They were all gone. I just let everything go. I let all my frustration, anger, hate go. I started cleansing my mind, my body, my soul.

I let the sun rays shine through me. I felt the waves beneath my feet, I let them take me. I just lay in the sand..once I opened my eyes, I was a different person. I felt like I was born again, like God had finally shined his light. He saved my life...

Thursday 19 March 2015

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 5)

How do I take all this in? It was just too much. I think there was a point where my brain couldn't process anymore, I couldn't digest anymore, my heart was on the verge of breaking or maybe it was already broken. I couldn't read anymore letters where family members told us to let her go and accept the situation. How do you accept something like that? So we're just supposed to sit around and do nothing like them? They chucked letters in the garden keeping us "updated", but we couldn't read it after a while and honestly didn't want to. It was much too painful. 
I couldn't face our family, the family that let us down, the family that lied, the family that forced my sister and me to go to the police station and make a statement. I thought about it...what if we don't go? 
At the time, they told us that we wouldn't help our mother with that. That she might have to stay in jail for months. Well..that was a lie, but we didn't know that. Then I had all kind of thoughts running through my head..What if they break into our home and drag us there? All sorts of things crossed my mind. I made the decision of going to the police station. I knew that I needed my mother in order to do something about this situation, so if I could get them to release her, all will fall into place, but never in a million years would I have thought they could just take my sister...

Thursday 12 March 2015

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 4)

They took her..there was an orphange not far from the police station. They told her not to pack too many things because it will probably only be a matter of weeks and then she will be returned to us. Well...months passed..and now it's been almost a year since I last saw my angel.
I was allowed to visit her in the orphanage, but that would also come to an end not long after she was taken away. I didn't know what, but something didn't sit well with me..I had to find out! 

There were nights when I just cried..of course I didn't show what I was feeling, how heartbroken I was. I needed to show strength. I played everything over and over again in my head. The person I love most in this world..I felt like I let her down. She trusted me and I couldn't take care of her.

Thursday 26 February 2015

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 3)

For months I didn't really know where I was, who I was, why I was still here. I wandered down the empty streets for nights searching for answers, loaded up on my favorite cigarettes for "inspiration" and was on a mission to find "inner peace". I wrote song after song, poem after poem. I admired the view from the mountain, listened to the birds sing. I felt the sun burn my skin and for the first time in a long time, I felt peace take over me for a few moments..just to find myself drop to the ground again..
So many thoughts were running through my head. It wasn't just him.
My sister...my babygirl..my little sunshine, who gave meaning to my life was ripped from my hands on March 21st 2014, the same day my mother was released from jail. I think it was the worst day of my life. I'll never forget. Something precious was taken from me that day. I couldn't get my mind 'round it. I was just sitting there..it just didn't sink in. What are we doing here? - I asked. But I would never ever get actual answers, just lies, lies, lies and broken promises.
The night before, I told her it was all going to be okay, that she'll come home with me, that we'll watch a movie and make dinner together..and it didn't happen that way..

Thursday 19 February 2015

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 2)

What's funny is that when I was just about to give up on him, he took my hand, lifted me up and then I fell hard again. Scars all over my body, I fell over and over again and it just broke me more and more.
Hope...it was always there. Maybe this time...maybe this time...just maybe if..but the devil laughed at me, spat in my face and watched me bleed.
No one was able to save me. I thought smoking cigarette after cigarette and turning to alcohol would take the pain away. But I found myself sick to the stomache, nauseous, lost. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. I hated my reflection. I kept making deals with God, begging him to take me and make me an angel by his side.
He of course had bigger plans...

Thursday 12 February 2015

CAC2014:Toxic (Part 1)

He hurt me again..and then I thought that there has got to be something more, something better out there for me.
I thought it was perfect, I thought it was meant to be. Then I realised.. if that was the case, this so called "love" wouldn't tear my soul apart, it wouldn't break my heart, nor would it put tears on my face day in and day out.

I took a step forward and three steps back for years. I lost myself. Confusion, depression, depression, confusion..it kept repeating. Illusions..those took me there.
He said "I love you". I thought about it so many times..what does that really mean? What does it mean to him? One night we reach heaven, then we find ourselves in hell?

And then he disappears...

Thursday 5 February 2015

My story CAC2014:Toxic is coming next week!

Hi Guys! Okay..so I know it's poetry Thursday. I know I haven't put out anything for weeks. I have been thinking and procrastinating. I have a short story I wrote about 2014, which I feel has been the worst year of my life. It's very personal, very painful to talk about, but now I'm like..why not? I am a very honest person and I feel there are things not many wish to talk about, but I feel as long as there's someone out there who can relate, it's worth sharing, so my story: CAC2014:Toxic will be public next week on my blog. It will have very short "chapters"/parts. Look out for it! xx

In the meantime, go check out my latest post!


Thursday 29 January 2015

Really Gone

I don't know where I am.
I can't remember days.
They pass before I wake.
My mind has been invaded by your face.
My heart has been racing, saving you a secret place.

I'm really gone..
I can't think anymore.
I've lost all control.
I can't stand. Energy is leaving me.

Come over here! Lay with me.
Lock me in your arms. I want to feel safe.
I don't want any space between us.
Let me look into your eyes and I hope this beautiful
sight will be enough for me to fall asleep tonight.



Thursday 15 January 2015

3 am

It's 3 am and all I can do is think about you.
Do you?
Do I run across your mind before you close your eyes?
I wonder how many times..
I want to hear those sweet words, because they make me smile.
Remember when we could hardly say goodbye?
I miss those nights.

All I have is a picture of you that I hold on to, but deep down
I wish I was holding you.
Touching your hand, laying next to you.
You're the missing half of me.
You're all I need to feel complete.

Thursday 8 January 2015

Distance

I've lost count of how many times I told myself that I don't ever want to feel like this.
Now I taste these tears as my heart bleeds.
I place my body on these cold sheets, praying hard to quickly fall asleep.

Where are you? Are you near?
I don't see or feel you here.
This distance is poison that kills.
My heart screams, but you don't hear. I hate it here!
I want to be close to you, wrapped up in you.
Take me where you are because I'm afraid of the dark.
Hold my hand and lead the way.
Paradise is where I want us to stay.

Thursday 1 January 2015

Ice Cold

I woke up to the awful sound of the alarm.

As I climbed out of bed, I felt such emptiness, pain in my chest
and an unbearable ache in my head.
It was so cold. Ice cold. I nearly froze.

He wasn't here...

I kept wishing for each day to end and hoped he would appear by the next.
Days felt like weeks. Something was missing. I missed him.

I did something unusual. Something that is so not like me:
I went to sleep early to escape reality.
I wanted to see him in my dreams to be free.
Free of fear and insecurity.

Weaving his web across my mind all the way down to my heart....
It's done. I won't run. I don't think I would have the courage to try.