CAC2014: Toxic (Part 3)

For months I didn't really know where I was, who I was, why I was still here. I wandered down the empty streets for nights searching for answers, loaded up on my favorite cigarettes for "inspiration" and was on a mission to find "inner peace". I wrote song after song, poem after poem. I admired the view from the mountain, listened to the birds sing. I felt the sun burn my skin and for the first time in a long time, I felt peace take over me for a few moments..just to find myself drop to the ground again..
So many thoughts were running through my head. It wasn't just him.
My sister...my babygirl..my little sunshine, who gave meaning to my life was ripped from my hands on March 21st 2014, the same day my mother was released from jail. I think it was the worst day of my life. I'll never forget. Something precious was taken from me that day. I couldn't get my mind 'round it. I was just sitting there..it just didn't sink in. What are we doing here? - I asked. But I would never ever get actual answers, just lies, lies, lies and broken promises.
The night before, I told her it was all going to be okay, that she'll come home with me, that we'll watch a movie and make dinner together..and it didn't happen that way..

CAC2014: Toxic (Part 2)

What's funny is that when I was just about to give up on him, he took my hand, lifted me up and then I fell hard again. Scars all over my body, I fell over and over again and it just broke me more and more.
Hope...it was always there. Maybe this time...maybe this time...just maybe if..but the devil laughed at me, spat in my face and watched me bleed.
No one was able to save me. I thought smoking cigarette after cigarette and turning to alcohol would take the pain away. But I found myself sick to the stomache, nauseous, lost. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself. I hated my reflection. I kept making deals with God, begging him to take me and make me an angel by his side.
He of course had bigger plans...

CAC2014:Toxic (Part 1)

He hurt me again..and then I thought that there has got to be something more, something better out there for me.
I thought it was perfect, I thought it was meant to be. Then I realised.. if that was the case, this so called "love" wouldn't tear my soul apart, it wouldn't break my heart, nor would it put tears on my face day in and day out.

I took a step forward and three steps back for years. I lost myself. Confusion, depression, depression, confusion..it kept repeating. Illusions..those took me there.
He said "I love you". I thought about it so many times..what does that really mean? What does it mean to him? One night we reach heaven, then we find ourselves in hell?

And then he disappears...

My story CAC2014:Toxic is coming next week!

Hi Guys! Okay..so I know it's poetry Thursday. I know I haven't put out anything for weeks. I have been thinking and procrastinating. I have a short story I wrote about 2014, which I feel has been the worst year of my life. It's very personal, very painful to talk about, but now I'm like..why not? I am a very honest person and I feel there are things not many wish to talk about, but I feel as long as there's someone out there who can relate, it's worth sharing, so my story: CAC2014:Toxic will be public next week on my blog. It will have very short "chapters"/parts. Look out for it! xx

In the meantime, go check out my latest post!